dragonspell: (Default)
dragonspell ([personal profile] dragonspell) wrote2010-11-08 09:53 pm

Fic: SPN (Sam/Dean): Close Your Eyes and Pretend | R | 1150 words

Title: Close Your Eyes and Pretend
Author: [livejournal.com profile] dragonspell
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: R
Warnings/Spoilers: Vague spoilers for aired episodes of season 6
Summary: It’s Sam’s body underneath him but it’s not really Sam that’s looking up at him.
Word Count: 1150

It’s Sam’s body underneath him but it’s not really Sam that’s looking up at him. Intellectually, maybe, sure—but there’s something missing in the vaguely concerned look that Sam is giving him. It’s like Sam knows that there is something that he should be understanding, that he should be feeling, picking up on, but he just can’t grasp what that something could be. So it makes his vague concern look a little like a scientist studying a specimen.

Dean’s not sure if he can take it. So he looks away and grabs the half empty bottle off the nightstand.

The liquor burns like fire, searing down his throat, licking at his insides with all the gentleness of broken glass. Dean grimaces and decides that he just might need another, so he tips the bottle back again and swallows the last of it, draining it dry. It’s cheap rot gut—bottom shelf because at the pace he’s been going lately, that’s all he can afford—but it usually gets the job done. Anything to keep his mind off of how his life has been going for the past, oh, twenty-six years or so.

Some days it just works better than others.

Today is not one of those days: Dean is all too well aware of what’s going on and what’s happening and just how helpless he is against any of it. How useless, how pathetic. The liquor’s just not working like it should. Sam’s still staring up at him with his distantly puzzled eyes because even he knows—as fucked up as he is—that something’s wrong.

Dean waits a few beats for Sam to comment about his drinking, about the fact that he just consumed more than should be wise—that he was sacrificing his hunter instincts, something—but there’s nothing but silence. Of course there is. Dean shoves his fingers into Sam’s mouth, Sam’s lips parting easily, because at least this way Dean can pretend that the only reason why Sam’s not saying anything is because Dean won’t let him. Dean gets the illusion of being able to pretend.

There’s nothing that Dean can do to fix this and he knows it. Nothing at all. Even his usual medication is failing him.

It’s not like Dean wanted to hear about it anyway—Sam’s lectures. He doesn’t—not tonight. Not ever but especially not tonight.

Tonight, he’s all too well aware of just how fucked-up they—how fucked they are. He’s all too well aware that it’s probably his fault. It always is.

He never should have gone to Lisa like he did. Stupid, sad, and clingy. Weak. He ruined the only good thing that he had left—tossed it out with the trash just like the rest of his life. He should have known better but, of course, he’d given in. He’s always given in.

Sam would just tell him something inane, anyway. Either that or something that Dean doesn’t want to hear. These days, Sam’s all about the self-interest and it’s just so jarring, that Dean can’t take it anymore. It gets in the way of his pretending.

Intellectually, Sam’s still there. Dean knows that he is, but morally, emotionally—all the things that made Sam Sam—he’s not. Sam’s gone somewhere, locked away where Dean can’t help him and all Dean’s left with is this hollow shell that is his brother but isn’t. Just another way that Dean fucked up. Sam never should have had to go alone into the pit: Dean should have been tumbling in right after him.

A couple hundred years of being tortured by the worst Hell had to offer would be better than this. This, though, is all they have. He should have known that there’d be yet another way of being fucked-over. Just when Dean dares to let himself think that he’s finally hit bottom, that there’s no way that life could get worse, he’s proven wrong. You’d think that he’d learn.

Because this is Sam’s body underneath him. Those are Sam’s eyes staring up at him and those are Sam’s lips wrapped around Dean’s fingers and that’s Sam’s cock that’s buried inside of him—but it’s not Sam and the fifth of whiskey isn’t helping make that fact any blurrier. His mind is disgustingly, brutally clear for the amount he’s drunk tonight. Maybe that means that he should quit—he’s building up a tolerance.

Or maybe it just means that he should plan to drink more. Next time, he’ll buy a few extra. There won’t be any running out, then. It doesn’t escape Dean’s notice, either, that he’s already drinking more than his father ever did. So much for trying to be a better person—whatever that means. Yet another thing that Dean should have known better about: his father could have held out against Hell for the rest of eternity. Dean had caved after only thirty years. Thirty years and he’d had enough but his father had never cracked.

Shouldn’t have even tried.

Sam’s tongue licks at Dean’s fingertips, his mouth sucking, and Dean shudders as Sam’s big hands grab a hold of his hips and angle them just right as Sam thrusts up. Intellectually, Sam is all there. He knows exactly what he needs to do. That knowledge just doesn’t help Dean any. Sam’s hands force Dean into a harder rhythm, a faster one—more driving, more demanding—steadying Dean as he starts to tilt to the side and Dean’s eyes flutter closed.

Might as well enjoy it.

He’d tried telling Sam no tonight—thought about it at least. He’d considered trying to shove him away. It just hadn’t worked all that well because, intellectually, Sam’s still there but, intellectually, there is no reason for Sam not to force the issue. Dean doesn’t know if Sam would or not, but he’s hinted about it before—not threatening, just coldly, distantly matter of fact, just like how Sam is nowadays—and Dean doesn’t want to know for sure. He doesn’t want to know if what would happen if he told Sam no. He doesn’t want to know if Sam would let it go like he should or if he…wouldn’t.

At least this way, if Dean closes his eyes, he gets to pretend. Because it’s still Sam’s body underneath Dean and it’s Sam’s familiar touch skating over Dean’s body and, as long as Dean doesn’t look, it’s Sam that’s fucking him. Dean needs that. With the clusterfuck that has been their lives lately—“their” because Dean knows that him and Sam are intertwined together now and forever—Dean needs that. He’ll come with Sam’s name on his lips and the fruitless wish that it’s all just been one bad dream. And, for a little while, as long as Sam doesn’t open his mouth, Dean will feel better because a little denial can go a long way.

It is, after all, the family tradition.

[identity profile] mdlaw.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 03:38 am (UTC)(link)
OMG! Dies on the floor! This can NOT happen! m :O

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 06:13 pm (UTC)(link)
Sorry! I had to write it. o_o

[identity profile] ash-carpenter.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 04:22 am (UTC)(link)
Oooh, bleak and kinda creepy. Dean's really hitting rock bottom here.

Nice characterisations, and I like Dean being afraid to say no, just in case.

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 06:14 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you! I've been thinking about doing something like this for the past three episodes. I really like the idea of Dean being just a little bit afraid of what Sam's capable of now.

[identity profile] slf630.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 04:25 am (UTC)(link)
Ok ouch. That was really hurty. But so true. God, poor poor Dean. *pets him* This made me sniffle and broke my heart. It fits well with canon though. Well done.

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 06:15 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you! I'm glad that you liked it.

I like the idea of the boys having a relationship with Dean trying to pretend and soulless!Sam not understanding. I have no idea why.

[identity profile] lustmordred.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 04:27 am (UTC)(link)
I liked you take on Dean's character in this a lot. He does seem really tired and defeated to me in the last few seasons and this one is definitely no exception. Oh, and the last line was brilliant.

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 06:16 pm (UTC)(link)
He seriously does. He's better than he was last season but he still seems so very tired. Thank you!

[identity profile] katherine20.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 05:24 am (UTC)(link)

You're making me cry. While feeling horny at the same time, because haunting and depressing as it is... SEX!!! WITH cold!hard!Sam!! NNNGGGGHHHHH!!!! Just so wrongly HOT!!! :D

Also, PLEASE write about Dean saying no, and Sam's reaction!!! Pretty please?!

Love your writings SO MUCH!!!

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 06:17 pm (UTC)(link)
Sorry! I know, right? Something about the idea of soulless!Sam and his ideas about sex. And, hmm, there's an idea. xD

Thank you!

[identity profile] aythia.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 07:50 am (UTC)(link)
Oh no *sob* This needs to be fixed, they can't be like this! I want them together for real, smiling, happy!

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 06:19 pm (UTC)(link)
I know, me too. =( This scene, though, has been stuck in my head for the past three episodes. I just had to write it.

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 06:20 pm (UTC)(link)
Sorry. ^^
ext_13306: by mimblewimble.deviantart.com (Default)

[identity profile] viridian-magpie.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 10:26 am (UTC)(link)
Okay, first you made me go UNF with "Dean shoves his fingers into Sam’s mouth, Sam’s lips parting easily, because at least this way Dean can pretend that the only reason why Sam’s not saying anything is because Dean won’t let him."

And then you killed me with the last three paragraphs. *flails* ♥

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 06:29 pm (UTC)(link)
=D I've been in love with that visual for weeks now. =D

And thank you! Gorgeous icon, btw. ♥♥♥

[identity profile] eternal-moonie.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 11:36 am (UTC)(link)
Absolutely LOVE it!!!! *hugs*

And your icon! It's like Dean's underneath!

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 06:54 pm (UTC)(link)
=D Thank you!

And, mmm, yeah. Or Sam's looking down at him. ♥♥♥

[identity profile] equally-dour.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 01:37 pm (UTC)(link)
You're killing me here. :(((

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 06:56 pm (UTC)(link)
Sorry! I had to write it. =(

[identity profile] fleshflutter.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 03:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh that was heartbreaking, and so very very Dean. <333

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 06:57 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you! I'm so glad that you liked it! I've been obsessed with writing a scene like this for about three weeks now.

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 06:57 pm (UTC)(link)
Sorry. ^^ I know.
ext_442008: (Default)

[identity profile] transfixeddream.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 07:18 pm (UTC)(link)
My heart goes out to Dean. I love the bleak outlook of Dean, and the way he's longing for Sam and, and-- :((

Wonderful, but very sad.

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 07:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you! =) I'm glad that you liked it.

I know. Now I have to make up for this by writing some happy porn. xD

[identity profile] sinestrated.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 08:40 pm (UTC)(link)

Poor Dean!

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-11 03:54 pm (UTC)(link)
Poor Dean. =(

[identity profile] loverstar.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 09:49 pm (UTC)(link)
Omg I will make so much art for u if u write more

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-11 03:56 pm (UTC)(link)
=D Thank you so much for the offer! At the moment, though, I'm currently slogging my way through my Reversebang but it's definitely something to keep in mind.

I whine so much about not liking how Sam and Dean have been developed but, mmm, kind of like this dynamic. ♥

[identity profile] loverstar.livejournal.com 2010-11-11 05:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Well if u have the time could u write me angsty pieces like this? Man just love this lol. U should sign up for bigbang

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-14 02:47 am (UTC)(link)
I forgot to reply to this! I'm sorry. ^^

I fully plan on signing up for the SPN_J2_BB but it will most likely be J2. ...Though there is a S/D idea that I want to do. Unfortunately, it would be too much like my BB from last year (well, setting-wise, anyway), so I'm thinking about mixing it up a bit.

I'm glad that you liked the other fic as well! With the way that the episodes are going lately, provided I have free time like I had this weekend, there just might indeed be more angsty fics. =) Probably with a lot more rape if I keep up my current trend...

[identity profile] loverstar.livejournal.com 2010-11-14 02:49 am (UTC)(link)
Omg can ii help come up with ideas? I have great season 6 ideas lol

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-14 03:23 am (UTC)(link)
=D I'm always glad to go off of prompts. I love prompts, actually, and always make sure that I credit the prompter for their idea. If you have access to the LJ PMs, feel free to PM me anytime you like. =)

[identity profile] fedaykin-here.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 11:25 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh goodness, I can totally see this happening based on where the show is going!! Thanks for showing.

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-11 03:57 pm (UTC)(link)
=D Thank YOU for reading! I think this kind of dynamic is one of my favorite things about the show lately. Yay for soulless!Sam! \o/
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[identity profile] big-heart-june.livejournal.com 2010-11-09 11:43 pm (UTC)(link)
Christ. Oh Dean baby....he is so fucked up and so desperate and you've portrayed that so beautifully. My heart can hardly stand it. And man, just stop with the drinking already...so fucking sad.

Your last lines....omgggg. just when I think you couldn't possibly get any better you go and write something like this....♥

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-11 03:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you! =) I really kind of like this dynamic (sad, I know) and Dean's constant drinking is something to be worried about watching the show but it's interesting to explore in fic. I'm glad that this worked out as well as it did.

[identity profile] angelskiss.livejournal.com 2010-11-10 01:01 am (UTC)(link)
Oh! My poor heart. :(

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-11 03:59 pm (UTC)(link)

[identity profile] serendip50.livejournal.com 2010-11-11 08:02 pm (UTC)(link)
Excellent interpretation.
I agree that Dean is a little wary of Sam now, not certain of his intentions about anything. It is not the best way to soldier on but he has no choice...it is quite an alarming piece, but still sexually driven:).

Dean's mindset during this scene is all over the place. He feels so defeated in all ways, half resigned and half ashamed of his lack of willpower against the drink and his brother, it all seems so hopeless. So beautifully sad. Hugs xx

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-13 04:57 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you! Yeah, it's really how I see Dean right now and I'm actually quite enamored of the dynamics happening in this season. I like soulless!Sam (he's quite nice to visit, I just don't want him to live here...) and how he interacts with Dean.

I'm glad that you liked it!

[identity profile] meret.livejournal.com 2010-11-14 02:00 pm (UTC)(link)
Terrific story! I really liked the characterization.

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-15 01:12 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you! I'm glad that you liked it! =D

[identity profile] darkestangelspn.livejournal.com 2010-11-14 03:33 pm (UTC)(link)
I love the desperation and despair Dean feels...his need for family and tradition despite Sam not really being the Sam he loves.

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2010-11-15 01:12 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you. =) It's definitely an interesting concept and I do love playing with it this season.

[identity profile] cheebles.livejournal.com 2011-06-06 04:09 pm (UTC)(link)
Can't stop thinking about this time period. Thanks for the fix.

[identity profile] dragonspell.livejournal.com 2011-06-20 08:40 pm (UTC)(link)
Hee. Thank you. =) I'm glad that you liked it.