Movie Rant

[dragonspell]

I tell you what, dudes, I am so fucking pissed.

Last night, I was in the mood for a movie. Not just any movie--a good movie. A slashy movie. Sci-fi, fantasy, scary, whatever. I just wanted it fantasical with deliciously slashy overtones.

Near the end of the night, I was even willing to drop the 'slashy overtones' requirement.

The Sci-fi channel has all their 'sci-fi original' movies. You ever watch these pieces of shit? Same fucking movie over and over and it's not even a particularly good movie.

But I saw previews for this mummy movie. And you know what? It looked good. Bunch of guys riding around in a jeep being chased by a friggin' huge mummy. I was like, "Cool! I'll watch that!"

So I started watching it.

Enter the Sci-fi channel's fucking specialty--the blond bimbo tottering along on her high heels, miracuously managing not to get eaten, all the while spouting complete and utter fucking inane bullshit, tilting her head this way and that like a fucking dog because she 'doesn't get it." The fucking stupid bimbo--a pretty face and nothing else.

WHERE THE HELL WAS SHE IN THE FUCKING PREVIEWS?! Here I thought that Sci-fi wasn't going to have the fucking bimbo in this one--the one fucking reason I decided to watch this shit movie.

Sometimes, you know, a girl just wants to watch pretty men run around. Sometimes, I don't want to see ANY FUCKING CHICKS! You hear that Sci-fi?! Oh, how fucking amazing, your viewship isn't completely MALE! Sorry, dudes! Sorry to ruin your whole fucking fantasy island life, but no, not all girls enjoy starting at a pair of tits bouncing around and a fucking wind tunnel above them. Especially if the fucking pair of tits never fucking SHUTS UP! Hell, sometimes you're doing good if you can get me to fucking tolerate a pair of breasts in my movie.

So enter GENERIC BIMBO NUMBER FUCKING THREE! and CUE FUCKING SAPPY BACKGROUND MUSIC! What. THE FUCK? Bimbo Bitch then proceeds to have the stereotypical banter with the male lead because she. Is. LOVE INTEREST!

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, LOVE INTEREST. OOOH, DON'T YOU JUST WANT SOME?! HERE! Have some forced, fake chemisty shoved down your throat!

Bitch: "I'm in charge here."

Butch, manly!man: "No."

Bitch" "I'm in charge."

Manly!man: "No, you not. I am."

Bitch: "I'm better than you. The feminist movement says so!"

Manly!man: "Prove it!"

Bitch: "...But you're a guy... And everyone knows that women can't do the same things as a guy! Fuck, I'm only here to be your simpering girlfriend and you expect me to work? Fuck that! Come back and save me in a fucking hour okay? The ridiculous plot's going to try and bury me and I'll need someone to dig through the shit!"

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?! What, they waste their whole fucking budget on the cheesy special effects that they can't afford a decent fucking script?!

Pay me 20 fucking bucks, dudes, and I'll shit you something better.

Sometimes, a girl wants some fucking eye-candy skewed towards her, okay? And for me, that doesn't mean some fucking, half-assed romance shoved down my throat! I fucking hate chick flicks! FUCKING HATE THEM! You'd do fucking better not even fucking TRYING for the whole fucking romance angle! Can't do it right, don't even fucking TRY! And take my special kinks and fucking romance is the fastest fucking way to get this chick to change the channel/walk out of the fucking theater!

I spent the whole fucking movie (or the whole 20 minutes I watched) yelling for the bitch to get off the screen.

Perhaps I'm not being fair to the bitch. I might have been kinder if she didn't fucking talk. I hate it when stupid people bather on in fucking movies! I hate it when talkative, stupid, blonde bimbos are used as a cheap-ass shortcut for plot exposition!

Fucking cheap skank. Go find yourself a fucking porno so I don't have to know you exist. In your pink Ambercrombie and Fitch and high heels and perfect DYE job! Perfect lipstick in the middle of the fucking desert! Gee, guess we know someone who's not going to be fucking DIGGING!

This rant brought to you courtesy of the Sci-Fi Channel's The Fallen Ones. What an absolutely shitty movie.

Comments

[silicondreams.livejournal.com]

*puts 20 bucks in an envelope*

Save me from the death of cinema, sister. I know you can do it.

I'll wait patiently for your movie to come out. *sits and waits*

[dragonspell.livejournal.com]

:) The whole movie industry is just going down the drain. If that's the best their 'professionals' can produce, I think a few 'professionals' need to find a new freakin' job...

*I, uh, keep getting distracted by the Mad Andy in you icon. :D It's so funny.

[silicondreams.livejournal.com]

I'm starting to think that the real problem is the lack of ideas. I mean, what's the catch in doing so many remakes? If I want to watch a good movie I'll watch the original, not the American version with crappy actors, thank you very much...

Or so many historical/mythological movies. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against a good mythological movie *huggles Excalibur, Willow, and a bunch of others*...but it's like nobody is able to write a good original script anymore. You know, actually have an idea?

The good side of it, it's that the rare times a good original movie, acted well, with a considerate plot and witty dialogue comes out, it shines like nothing else - like a diamond in a puddle of crap.

But even like that...

/Cinema Freak

(and yep. I'm in love with my icon too ;))

[dragonspell.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with the whole 'lack of ideas' thing. All the freakin' remakes that they're doing lately, as well as book/comic book adaptations and the fucking SEQUELS. And not particularly good ones, either. Hollywoodizing it 'cause they think that will make it good.

Everyone's just out for a quick fucking buck and it makes me sick. Yet look at how people seem to eat it up.

...We should stage a rebellion.

[silicondreams.livejournal.com]

I'm up for it. *takes her pitchfork and her torch*

What makes me sad is exactly that, the "hollywoodizing" thing. Ok, I know that the American audience wouldn't probably understand I soliti ignoti (Big Deal, I think it's the translation). And, can I say WHO GIVES A FUCK? If people don't understand it because it's a movie set in post-war Italy, well, they will research. You just don't come in with a shitty American-set remake! Because doing so, guess what? You lose everything was funny and good in the original, because you take it out of its fucking context!

/rant.*is very touchy when it comes to her favourite movies* :D

[dragonspell.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY! Almost every foreign movie gets put though the grinder for American audiences and then I have to put up with the asinine, lazy-ass fuckheads who can't be bothered to find the original and think the neutered version is "just the bestest!"

Had to deal with the same thing with the anime because "Oh noes! Think of the CHILDREN! THE CHILDREN!" You know what? Fuck the children. More precisely, fuck their parents. People with sticks up their asses should not have any say in entertainment industries.

What's really pissing me off about the whole 'American Remake/Adaptation Machine' is the way the story and characters will inevitably be bastardized. The plot will be 'jazzed up' so the stupid American audiences can understand and won't have to sit through "all the boring dialogue." The characters, however... The female lead, as of late, will be changed from someone who's main qualification be that she can act to: a blonde with big tits. Prefferably with no acting talent at ALL because, I mean, my God! How would our audiences react if the woman was actually believable? And not just some delusional stripper some casting director was fucking?!

Eee. **Jumps off the soapbox.** Um. Here you go. **offers soapbox**

[silicondreams.livejournal.com]

*jumps on soapbox*

And don't forget the male leading actor. He must be the one the teenager airheaded fangirls are a-squeeing for in the last month. Possibly, he has to be of a completely insipid and unharming beauty. Sexy? Hell not! Wicked? God Forbid! With strong features? Will someone think of the children?

Acting? Who the fuck needs that? We aren't French!

Seriously. It's hard to find a good actor of the new generation. Two come in my mind, Ed Norton and Johnny Depp (they are also hot, tho- and not only 'cause they are good looking. Because they make you fall in love with their charas!). And one thinks about all the young De Niro's, Hoffman's, Malkovich's...that are probably starving by now, and that we'll never see on film.

And that's sad.

(BTW, thanks for giving me a chance and letting me rant, sistah. You're cheering me up to no end tonight!*squeeze*)

[dragonspell.livejournal.com]

(BTW, thanks for giving me a chance and letting me rant, sistah. You're cheering me up to no end tonight!*squeeze*)

I live to serve. :)

And I, too, am so sick of seeing "the next big thing" being the only one to get these roles. Orlando Bloom, I'm sorry to say, does nothing for me. Colin Ferral--hardly any better.

No one's willing to take a chance anymore. Not on actors, not on actresses, not on plots, not on content. They're too afraid they're going to be buried.

Adrian Brody. There we go. But only if he has longer hair! That nose just does not work with close-cropped hair :) Tobey McGuire, too, I think of as a great actor, if only for Wonder Boys.

[stonefinder.livejournal.com]

Why can't they afford a decent script?

Because anyone capable of producing one is above the age of 16 and everyone knows that anyone that old is sooooo not edgy.

*sarcasm mode off*

And they wonder why television is so fucking lousy.

YOU NEED A FUCKING LIFE BEFORE YOU CAN WRITE ABOUT ONE, ASSHOLES!

Besides, the level of intelligence that shit like that is aimed for is at about 11 years old and male. To them, an idiotic bouncing set of tits is high brow literature.

[dragonspell.livejournal.com]

Thus the reason why only the only movies made lately are bad Mary Sue/Marty Stu fanfics! Doh! I finally get it!

Unfortunately for me, I'm well aware of Sci-fi's target audience. >_< Why is every channel I watch skewed towards guys? Not every fucking female wants to sob over a fucking Lifetime movie.

[stonefinder.livejournal.com]

It's not just guys, Dragon, it's guys of a specific age. Think it's something like 18-24 years old. Now come on, what guy that age thinks beyond his dick?

The worse part of it is, is that they'll only hire writers from that age group to write scripts for these movies, thinking they will have a better understanding of what's hip. Total bullshit of coarse. The writers aren't old enough to have the life experience it takes to be a really good author or why else do most published authors these days only start getting published in middle age? Yes, there are exceptions and age doesn't confer talent but if you look at a lot of the bios of most bestselling and relevant authors, they don't get their first book published until well in their forties!

All the best screenwriters aren't getting hired no other reason then because they're too fucking old!

[dragonspell.livejournal.com]

Catch-22. :)

When will people ever learn that "hip" doesn't necessarily translate into "good"? And that most writers worth their salt, don't need to be a certain age/a certain sex/a certain anything? Writer's worth their salt are able to research and take on the subjects that they need.

For that matter, in anything, I'd take the seasoned vet over the greenhorn, you know? You want the proven hunting dog over the over-eager young pup. Hire the big dogs for the actual project and train the puppies, yes?

[kraftpistole.livejournal.com]

Just to make sure I got this straight: Those sucky Sci-Fi Channel scripts are actually written by 18-24 year old males...? O_o

[kelpierocks.livejournal.com]

But tell me how you really feel... ;) I'm sorry, but your rant made me laugh. I thank you. I'd like to say that all that you said is why I don't watch movies... _{but that wouldn't be true. My attention span is just too short and my imagination too vivid. I'd rather daydream it myself, thank you.}

[dragonspell.livejournal.com]

I design the rants to try and make people laugh. It's the sign of a good rant, IMO. :) So I'm glad it worked.

My, uh, attention span's generally too short, too... :)

[kelpierocks.livejournal.com]

LOL. I confess, I write my rants for laughs, usually, as well. ;)

[screwthedaisies.livejournal.com]

Pay me 20 fucking bucks, dudes, and I'll shit you something better.

You're my hero.

[glammetalkitten.livejournal.com]

*Applauds* I think that was the best running commentary I have read for a long time :D

[silentinflames.livejournal.com]

Ugh! I feel your pain, dude! Nobody obviously was willing to invest additional 20 bucks in this movie for a better script. :(